BACK TO NORMALITY.
By that I mean WE BOUGHT A HOUSE, had a mad few months fixing up the old one, moving in and fixing up the new house, then catching up to the modern ages BY FINALLY GETTING WIFI. STRESS. FULL.
Glad you could join us here the modern ages, Martin.
I was gutted I didn’t get to write for Mental Health Week, but it was equally nice to sit and be a fan of all of the campaigns, read loads of great tweets, articles, and posts from loads of people over the world. I also was able to write for the Travellers’ Voice and Travellers’ Times upcoming editions (which you can read here and here). That’s the thing though, for me and so many people who experience not just the mental effects of a mental illness, but also the physical elements of stress, anxiety, and depression, every week is Mental Health Week.
I’ll always talk about my brain and the nasty stuff I have to put up with in everyday life so that someone can see that it is fine to talk about it and get help about what is going on in their own head. Since my last post, I have been a MESS. That is obviously down to life, buying a house, kids, being an idiot and all of that. There were days when I was excited to buy a new place with someone, but then I’d be so snappy and hard to be around, to the point where I wondered why was Chloe even was chosing to do it. Those are the days where it is important to just say “Look, I’m having a shit day, please ignore me if I’m being an idiot and let me have a minunte if I walk off or ask for it”, or whatever thing you need. As always, I was lucky to have people who can notice when I’m down and were there for me to talk to when I needed it.
This time around I noticed that I had more time alone to work out how to calm myself down than before. It helped, but I don’t want that being something that is a go to response to depressed days. I found messaging close family and having the control of when to take a break from the conversation helped. I was able to type read their advice support, but then I was able to smash my head against the wall without them seeing. Win-win, I guess!
The worst day for it was in work one day, and I had to bury my head in my arms and listen to thing that came up on Youtube when I searched for “HOW TO STOP PANIC ATTACKS”. Youtube really need to look at their adverts for those videos, last thing I need when I’m melting and thinking I’m going to die is an advert for fresh salmon fillet from ASDA.
With life though, it does bring that stress that takes control over the things my brain makes me see during the day, horrible thoughts that appear with no warning, ‘needing a minute’ when I should be in the garden with my family and friends enjoying the BBQ, or Chelsea beating Man U in the FA Cup Final.You find that when it goes away, you begin to understand it how bad it actually affected you.
SO. I’m starting to feel good now that we’re all settling in somewhere again, it is nice seeing Mabli getting older and more perceptive, Noah becoming more and more funnier, and smarter, ( although I am saving the RAGING post about Noah’s new sassy attitude for the next post, don’t you worry about that), and now the move is all done, I can’t wait to be writing more again.
What I did notice whilst being online this Mental Health Week, was that the conversation was a little quiet from my community. I know Tyson Fury was vocal about mental health and the importance of speaking out about it, which is great. I hope that people can look at what he says and talk about what is going on in their lives and minds.
Speaking of strong men, I was reading this week marked 19 years since Owen Hart’s accident that saw him die in a WWF ring. Like every teenager who watched Stone Cold, The Rock and other giants beat the crap out of each other, it was different to see them on the next night’s show in tears, not showing off how big their muscles were, but how much that this loss hurt them and how much they loved this man. I was a break from the scripted rivalries, and we saw how human these ‘monsters amongst men’ were.
Years later, I stumbled upon a small tribute video from a wrestler named Mark Henry, aptly named ‘The World’s Strongest Man’.
“You feel the burn when you cry.
It starts to come when someone dies.
The pain you feel as your eyes swell
And the tears will up in the wells.
The burn starts to choke you up.
The words come out slow and shaken.
You close your eyes and wonder why
There is a burn when you cry.
When Owen left it felt like hands across my throat.
I couldn’t talk I couldn’t see.
The burn overwhelmed me.
My heart is heavy, this is why
You get the burn when you cry.
It digs down deep, you cannot sleep.
You toss and turn in your sheets.
Awaken with sobs and wet pillow cases.
You wander aimlessly looking to the sky.
You feel the burn when you cry.”
Here… have a tissue.
It was hard not to wipe my eyes the first time I heard Mark Henry read that poem, and also see the genuine pain he went through whilst reading it. Obviously losing someone is different to someone having a mental illness, but feelings are feelings.
Imagine not being able to say how the loss of a friend, or family member can feel like it phyiscally hurts, or even chokes you? Or just needing to tell the world how amazing a person they were, to the people who didn’t know, (or even did know!). That feeling is how it feels when you’re at the bottom, when your mind is falling apart behind your very eyes and you have nobody who will listen, or take you serious because you’re a man, and you don’t about talk things like that. You can hate the fact you have a pulse, but have no control of what you brain is making you think, or feel but can’t talk about it because you’re just not supposed to feel like that because you’re a guy, or belong to a certain group of people.
It sounds a bit dark that, doesn’t it.
Change will happen when being big, strong and macho isn’t as important as being healthy, happy and alive. One day a person talking about their depression will be seen as strong as someone with a 12 pack, no neck and a 100 fights behind them.
Feelings are feelings and real men talk about them… Just ask ‘The World’s Strongest Man’.